Girl / Guāi 乖 by Jenny Qi

"Is a dead woman good?"

Girl / Guāi 乖
by Jenny Qi

In Lisbon I bought boba from a girl who looked twelve, maybe  
a small fifteen. We speak Mandarin and I hear her obedience.

‍乖 we praise the child who does what she is told / works          
the family business / fills out forms her parents can’t read /
earns her keep / makes herself useful / dutiful / demure.  

‍乖 we praise the child who follows rules / anticipates needs /
keeps quiet / keeps to herself / keeps secrets / keeps unseen
and unheard / respectful / well-behaved / docile / obedient.

‍Google translates 乖 to “good.”
Only an obedient daughter is good.

My father said I was a bad daughter
when I did not obey absolutely.

‍The girl in the boba shop is maybe still good / a pleasure            
to have in class / does what’s expected / doesn't ask why /                    
feels indebted to her parents for keeping her alive.

‍乖 we praise the girl who will make a good wife / good
daughter / good carer / good maid / good server / good
worker / good breeder / good ant / good lamb / good corpse.

‍乖 we praise the woman who lets everyone else eat first /
supports her husband / supports her child / supports her parents / supports her
in-laws / saves nothing for herself.  

‍In high school I asked my mother why she was deferential        
to an old man who insulted her / why she sent money to her
brothers / why she felt guilty / why she did not leave.  

‍I don’t remember her answer or if she was silent.
乖 we praise a woman who is silent.
乖 we praise a woman who complies.  

A dead woman is silent.
Is a dead woman good?

乖 I was praised only
when I did something I did not want to.  
Obedience is to bury yourself.

First published in ONLY POEMS.