Love Story of Beginning and End
by Kaylee Young-Eun Jeong
I had a boyfriend who once told me
it's more humane to shoot and eat deer,
showing me a video about the inevitability
of their prolonged starvation in the wild:
If I were a deer, he said—
I thought this only happened
in movies, but he was the first person I ever saw
pound the floor with his fists
when he sobbed, and begged me not to go.
My friend once told me
the story of the father of a friend who one day
went to Brazil on business forever
and not only that, but found it in him
to call his wife, and tell her so:
I've found a new woman; I'm never coming back
or something to that effect, as my friend relayed it
to me, and I remember wondering how else
it could have gone. What he could have done
differently. What he should have.
For some reason I'll never know, my mother
loved to tell anyone who would listen the story
of my piano teacher's wife, who one day
went for a hike alone
and had a stroke. Though she was healthy,
my mother would quickly clarify,
and it was not a question
of health, but a faulty vein inside of her
she never could have known. And though
my mother told it like a cautionary tale,
how could it have been, unless the moral of
the story was what Rilke said about how the end
grows inside of you like a fruit.
I used to think this was true. That people
wore their end on them, unknowable
as skin, and as visible, and then I sat on his couch
for the last time, the couch of that heroic
hunter of dying deer, and thought how
there was a beginning to this,
though I couldn't find it
and I would have to get off
that couch and go home one way
or another, and that staring at his hands
I could not imagine how.
After I walked through his door
for the last time, he left the city
and it was no longer his door. And did it start
when we met? In the car, when I was a child,
my mother would often cry in the driver's seat
and ask God why he had punished her
with me, and when I began
to cry, too, the first time it happened,
she turned and asked me what I was
crying for and I remember thinking earlier that day
we had laid on the kitchen floor
together, drawing pictures on butcher paper,
and I had messed up while drawing
our house and the more I tried
to fix it it only got worse
until eventually to keep me
from tears of frustration my mother took a red crayon
and drawing flames over it said look
now it's just a fire and as we sat there
on that couch I remembered
he did not only hunt deer, that boy,
he also loved watching birds, and would show me
videos of birds of prey moving in for the kill
in slow motion, making the osprey's sudden
plunge into water suddenly possible,
every beat of the wing, every drop of water
clarified to a moment of its own
and as he kept asking me what happened I thought
how I wanted the answer, too.
Fantastic piece. Thanks for this!
Stunning poem!