The Little Flower by Jean Valentine I thank God, I have never taken to drinking, as many I know have, I have never done that and my children should be thankful but they are not, I have not been that kind, I say my prayers every night, Lots of them do and with less reason, I did once but put it from me, and with all the shocks I have had to bear, such shocks in those ter- rible years, you do not know, my father, my father was a mean man, Given to giving nicknames, He called me Susan B. Anthony because I was so strong I guess, I have never given way as others would have done. he called your aunt Bunny because when her first two teeth came in he said she looks just like a bunny, she did look just like a bunny, we will call her Bunny and so she is to this day I am eighty-three she must be eighty, strange she was always jealous of my looks Bun was I was tall and slim And very beautiful they all said so, And she thought I had all the looks always was a jealous kind of per- son but you know she was very lovely too, I was jealous of her too, isn’t that funny I always thought Bun had such nice feet and I al- ways thought my feet were ugly isn’t that funny, the things you will get into your head, feet It hasn't all been roses, My mother was a Ross a Ross from Scotland, they were a noble clan, your mother sent me a postcard once of the Ross castle, I have it somewhere in these suitcases, it's in the north Oh I must set my things in order I must have help to set my things in order, so many papers, no one will come and soon I will be gone and then who will, No now we will talk it is so good, to have someone to talk to, is that chair all right for you not in a draft, this room has a terrible draft you have beautiful eyes, A little like mine oh when I was younger You have always been a good child and you know you get funny all alone in a room I hope I have never complained but you get and at my age, no one understands what it is like to be old, does my mind wander, that is what I I forget things Words do not come to my mind, my mother was a Ross from Scot- land, they were a noble clan, she used to tell such wonderful stories and sing us the old songs she would go on with those stories and songs the children loved her, she came and visited us often and stayed weeks and weeks, she was always there if I were sick, I hope she always knew she had a home with us and I was sick so much with the climate what it was and the miscarriages and the babies, and she always came to be a comfort to me, but then she died, What it is like He had died long before that, there is a place for Bun and a place for me with them in the plot in Minneapolis, I don't care about cre- mation it seems the cleanest thing you don't mind talking about these things do you, neither do I some people do but I don’t mind talking about these things at all, look at my teeth, if I do not get to the dentist, but I cannot even get dressed, just to get dressed but I get so dizzy, when I stand I am so afraid of falling again, will you look at my teeth, I try not to smile so as to show them, I always had beautiful teeth It seems the cleanest thing Bunny has written me a long letter about it, she's going to be cre- mated, Henry was too, you pack a bag with the clothes you want to go in and if you go in winter like her Henry did, and a godsend, they wait till Spring to put you in the ground, Henry's there, no I don't mind about cremation as long as they make sure I'm good and dead first, ha, ha, Look at my teeth The children loved her, she would tell them those stories over and over, no I don’t remember any of them, not one, and the children don't any more, I asked Louise and she said, No Mother, I like to tell you these things because soon I will be gone and then no one will remember all this My father There do you hear her, there she goes, eight or ten hours a day some days, they say she is an opera singer, it goes right through my spine, we would always come to New York here for the opera sea- son, we always took the same suite at the Plaza Hotel, the manager was a very fine gentleman, he always said to me, Mrs. Haran, your children are the best behaved children who have ever visited us here at the Plaza Hotel, and they were, so quiet They all said so Your grandfather used to love the operas and then we always had sea- son tickets for the Chicago Symphony, I would take the children every Friday afternoon, do you hear her, I have sent a note to the desk but they say there is nothing they can do, I must take another room, on another floor, another hotel Just to get dressed Your mother always had a gift for music, she had lessons from the age of five with the best piano teacher in the city, but no when she married him she let it go, I told her, you will be sorry Louise, if you have music you will always have that whatever comes, like books, my children all loved books if you give children the love of books they will always have that whatever comes, will you listen to that woman, I have told them at least let her be still Sundays, at least let me have peace Sundays but you know they are all Jewish people in this hotel Not that I Not that I have anything against Jewish people if you like them I hope I am not so narrow, it is all knishes, what are they, and lox and the good Lord knows what on the menu, I cannot eat it, Ramon my waiter says ¡Ah Mrs. Haran you did not eat! they all loved reading, if I could only read but it hurts my eyes so Even the Tribune With everything else I had to bear there were always books, I used to read a book a day, oh yes and magazines, Edward used to tease me for taking the Post but I have always said there are lots of fine arti- cles in the Post I still take it but now I can hardly read the Tribune, Dr. Giroux wants me to see an ophthalmologist Just to get dressed Edward your uncle Edward was a great reader, he was always reading, he always said he loved to read with me there in the room, we al- ways read together like that when he was little, those were bad years, that was when it was just beginning, he was reading to him- self at three years, his teachers always told me, Eddie has a wonder- ful mind, they called him Eddie, I was always with him when he was little, that was when your grandfather began to take too much, then I was so ill and Edward would always come in and sit by me, I was in bed so much, months at a time, Edward would say Mother shall I sit with you a while, he was always considerate that way most children are not you know, Edward was To be a comfort They were seven brothers the children's uncle Jack was first, the mon- signor, then your grandfather, and the others were all born over here, well they scattered around the middle west, mostly farming and such, your grandfather was the only one of them who ever made his way, and Jack, one went to California I think, oh the Lord knows where they all are now living or dead, they all blamed me Listen to her We had an audience with the Pope did I ever tell you that I like to tell you these things, Pope Pius X, he was a very charming man, charming, a gentleman I shall never forget it, a private audience. no he spoke English, your uncle Jack was at the American College, he arranged it all, no I went to the Church long before I ever met your grandfather I was still at home well it seemed to draw me in I don't know why, my father said it was just like me, The Little Flower he called me A religious man, they were all religious men I have always held that your church doesn't matter as long as you live right you must give the children some faith to stand by them when their troubles come, it doesn't matter what church I hope I am not so narrow, but it breaks my heart to see Billy and her rising those children without anything, he always went to the best Catholic schools, I gave him that, and how can he stand by and watch her rise those children with nothing, and how can she let him get so heavy It's the drinking I'm sorry, I hope I've always been good to her the same as I am with all of you yet she never brings them, they are my grandchildren and I never see them, they do not know me, they lose that you know, they will never have those memories, it is nice to have a sense of family They all blamed me We went down, Jack had a summer place at that castle Gandolfo you know, very nice, outside Rome, it was hot, I remember I was faint do you hear her ah-ah-ah-ah, no no coffee for me I can't take it, my lower intestine, well, and then I get so terribly dizzy, Dr. Giroux has given me pills for it but I don't like to take them, just some ice water is all, there in that green bottle, Tipperary was where they came from but they were originally Normans Normans who came over from France Jack was good to us at first, for a while, at the beginning he would take his dinner with us every night, so as to keep the idea of a fam- ily for the children, he cared a lot for that, priests do they don’t know, that was when it was beginning with your grandfather, the stocks dropping and his partner and all and the never coming home The children never knew I spared them that, and the miscarriages, it was not so easy in those days to have a baby, you girls today, and my back was never strong to carry them, six months in bed before Billy, and then the broth- ers tried to get me to have him back, they all blamed me Normans I was never off a penny in my books when I was spending thousands of dollars managing Astor Street and now I'm always so confused that is what terrifies me, my checkbook is in such a state and no one, I ask Billy but he never comes, I guess she won't let him away, I don't think much of a person like that, I like to keep two thou- sand dollars margin in case I have to go to the hospital or so when I go it will, but it's under that now I don't know how much and I make mistakes in my arithmetic, and then these medicines, forty dollars, fifty dollars, I feel awful, the children do not understand or they would not be so What it is like None of you, but you are a good child, I always had a special place in my heart even when you were little, of course I loved you all, and I worry so about you, when you get old you worry a lot, there's some nice cake in there on the shelf chocolate the kind you like, I got it in last week expecting you, oh I know how much you have to do at home, I hope you're through having children now, two is a nice family plenty these days, you know just a phone call would mean a lot when you have a minute The children do not know I hate to call you I know how busy you are, I hope I haven't asked much of my family, I know you're all caught up in your own life the family and all, you look tired, I loved my children I hope I loved my children None of you I hope I was good to him, everything a wife should be, he was proud of me, all my clothes were made specially for me, and I was never off a penny in my books and they all loved to come to Astor Street, I remember Mr. Fairbank a millionaire there, he used to always come and he could have had anything in the world, he loved to come to us, he said, Nelly I feel at home here, a charming man, a very old family, no airs, no I never turned him away while he was well, I was everything a wife should be, it wasn't easy but men are that way and I hope I never let him know while he was well Anything in the world He used to say, Nelly, you make me feel very grateful, and he tried to be very considerate that way while he was well, not all men do, you know, he did try Music whatever comes What could I do, it was such a shock, the money, and then him never coming home and the drinking, I had the children to think of, they never knew, Jack tried to help him, first talking himself then the doctors, but nothing helped, he got worse, worse, he had had so much, risen from nothing himself, and he became deluded after the drop, losing more and more, he was on the telephone talking business as if he were still what he had been, then I had to call back, I was so ashamed, and explain he was not well, everyone was very kind, I couldn't go out of the house I had the children to think of I kept everything just as it had been for them, Dr. Lapham their doc- tor, he was a world-famous pediatrician, he died of pneumonia in Boston, he had called on me the day before he went just to see how we were getting along, he said, Mrs. Haran try to do for the children just as you would have done, and I did, Billy went to Canterbury and Harvard, Louise had a beautiful debut, I always had all her clothes made specially for her and there wasn't a better dressed girl her year, or a prettier, it wasn't as if we had a lot Dr. Lapham But I always remembered what Dr. Lapham had said, many women would not have done it that way for their children, I should have thought of my own old age Dr. Lapham They all blamed me when he was put in the mental home, it was the best state institution in the middle west, I had the children to think of, they said there was money enough for private care but I knew what there was and I knew he couldn’t be helped, we had spoken to the best doctors in Chicago, do you know what the pri vate places cost, and he lived, he lived for years and years, he only died three years ago, there wasn't that kind of money for him, look how I've had to manage all these years, and I had to do for the children it would all have gone, what would I have done, no he hadn't lost much yet but he would have if he'd gone on, I had to save what I could I knew They kept trying to get him away, one Christmas they got him out, a trick, and brought him down to Minneapolis, it was Christmas night, so cold, and we had to take him back, he was not respon- sible then for what he said, he was ill the doctors could not do any- thing for him, the money was gone, all but what I had managed to keep away, I had the children to think of, and myself He was not responsible then Then later Billy and your mother brought him east to another state home, New York State, up here, they said it was a better place, no they never visited him, he did not know them anymore they said, that was when they were grown of course when they were young they never knew They all blamed me Dr. Lapham did not blame me, I asked him, in the worst of it, I had no one to turn to and I asked him and he said, it is very hard Mrs. Haran, he understood and Edward understood he was older than the others and I used to talk to him I had no one, oh of course I didn't tell him the truth, but he was with me and that was a comfort, Bun came but she did not understand ever, she always thought he could be helped by the doctors, she never understood They all blamed me We didn't see her for a long while and then we didn't talk about it any more, but I knew she blamed me, she used to say, he loves you Nelly, she never understood he had never loved me never, only the house and the clothes and that Edward understood He was always with me if it hadn't been for Edward there were times I would have committed suicide, I know it's a terrible thing to say, but those were terrible years, but for Edward who always under- stood, and he was always there, later I wanted him to go out and get a place of his own, make his life away from all my troubles, but he always said No Mother and he always stayed until he died four years ago, the night he died his car went over a bridge It was the eye drops He’d been reading Stendahl On Love, he was always a great reader, when he died the doctor came in the middle of the night and gave me an injection, she was so kind to me that country doctor, she understood Edward understood It is a terrible thing to lose a child, no matter how old they are they are always your children and you always worry, I gave them every- thing, and then he died, and the other two never come, what have done, your mother came when he died to be with me, she blamed me, I know she blamed me Never only the house She did not know how it was with Edward, the drinking and the trouble, I never told anyone, he needed me, thank God I had the money to help him out of his trouble, it was always the same, I was always there Died, died I should have thought more of myself, other women would have saved for themselves, learn from your grandmother Christmas night What it is like to be old, and alone, and sick, and I worry so about money, not about leaving a lot behind, I have done enough I hope, but I don't know how long I'll last, which will go first, ha, ha, the money or me Always the same Every night when I lie down I think they'll find me in the morning, always have the bag ready, that blue one dear you should know, every night I wash my feet before I get into bed, they never think what it is like, The children loved her, Thousands of dollars, I loved my children, I hope I loved my children, what have I done that they are strangers to me, sometimes at night when I can't sleep Whatever comes I never sleep till three or four in the morning or five and then at eight or nine she starts up with her scales sometimes I think I must have said something or done something to hurt them, something I do not know, do you know? then I pray Deliver her soul, O Lord And that has been a comfort to me these last years, though what the Lord has done for me I don't know, I hope I’ve always lived right, and surely the Lord should not refuse His creatures And let my cry come unto Thee Most children are not you know, Edward was, they all blamed me, always the same, gone, and then no one, look at my teeth, I am afraid to die, you are young but you know you get afraid I knew It's good to talk like this to someone, and then I like to tell you these things, never, only the house, died, died, died, soon I will be gone and then no one will remember, there do you hear her, none of you.
Originally published in Light Me Down: The New & Collected Poems of Jean Valentine (Alice James Books, 2024). Used with permission.
💭”They all blamed me “…